behind this bump

you can’t see from this Instagram-worthy picture, but behind this bump there were countless prayers and promises to our future, “someday” little one.

you can’t see the shock on our faces when somehow, after health class made it all seem so easy, it didn’t happen right away, the first time, when we were trying, on purpose.

you can’t feel the worry that grew in the pits of our stomachs when month after month, it still didn’t happen. you can’t feel the disappointment or heartbreak of each negative test. Was there something wrong?

little one, you were prayed so hard for. every night before bed I would beg and plead with God to please oh please let this be the month we got pregnant. I did everything I could to try and relinquish control, relax, trust the process — none of which was easy for a Type A girl like me.

I remember promising God all that I would do, the parent I would be, the things I wouldn’t

complain about if he would just let this be the month.

finding out we we were pregnant was the biggest sigh of relief that this was meant to be, it was the most amazing joy in a single moment I had ever felt up to that point in my life.

no, we didn’t wait long compared to some couples. no, we didn’t experience the heartbreak of loss. and thank the Lord, we were able to get pregnant when the reality for some is never being able to carry a child of their own.

we are EXTREMELY blessed. this isn’t lost on me, it’s actually quite the opposite. I express my thanks every single day for not just the blessing of this growing babe, but for every single blessing in my life.

I even thank God for the wait to get here.

It made me truly, appreciate this journey so much more. Of any challenge I’ve ever faced in life, I’ve searched for the reason, the purpose, the meaning of its presence in my life. What was this moment trying to teach me?

waiting 8 months to see two pink lines taught me this: the “we weren’t even trying” or “my husband looked at me and we got pregnant” narratives hurt. jokes about being pregnant when you aren’t, hurt. seeing announcements online when you desperately want to be making one of your own, they can hurt.

but most importantly, children are absolute and immeasurable blessings in life. truly, miracles. answered prayers.

and we haven’t even met our baby yet!

this doesn’t take away from the fact that for some, the journey to get pregnant can be hard. for others, the pregnancy itself is hard. and without being at this stage yet, I think it’s safe to say that caring for a baby and raising a human is incredibly hard.

but damn, it’s a hard I’d choose again and again. for sure, stay tuned for a midnight post typed with one eye open and spit-up in my hair.

but for today, despite posting this highlight reel picture of a big ole bump that brings me so much joy in a nursery I am pretty dang proud we pulled together and has quickly become my favorite room in the house, I thought it was worth sharing what was behind the photo, too.

if you’re in a phase of waiting for your miracle babe, I’m praying for you.

if you’re up against a challenge in life, I implore you to question the lesson you’re supposed to be learning, to lean in and try your hardest to trust the process.

little one, you are so loved, so wanted, so adored and oh so blessed.