back to work!

does Ellie’s face say it all, or what?

One of the countless things I’ve learned since becoming a parent is just when you think you figure things out and find a routine, change is around the corner, and it’s a whole new ballgame!

honestly, and here’s an #unpopularopinion: I’m excited to go back to work.

Insert mom guilt! Did she really just say that? How could she ever want to leave a sweet face like that?

And yes, she has the sweetest face. I tell her every single day how much I love her. I am going to miss our sweet snuggles and undoubtedly think about her for every single minute we are apart: is she fighting that nap? how many ounces did she eat so far today? and most important of all — does she miss me?

I hope she misses me just a fraction of how much I’ll miss her, but at the same time, I hope she knows that the work I do helps support our family, helps support other families, and most importantly, makes her mama the best mama she can be.

The simple fact is that I enjoy my career, my brain loves a challenge, and I crave the problem solving day-to-day that my job brings. And having that outlet will make me a better me, and therefore a better mom for her. Plus, the time away really will make our time together all the more sweet!

I don’t worry about her because I know she’ll be in the very best hands — those of her daddy, and the loving family we have that look forward to the extra time they get to adore her. And by the way, it’s not called “babysitting” or “watching” when it’s your own child… it’s called PARENTING, and it’s what my husband will proudly be doing his solo days with our daughter the same way I do on my solo days with our daughter #petpeeve

Yes, part of me wonders what it would be like to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I could probably make it happen, financially, and I know I would freakin’ rock it: we’re talking finger painting daily crafts, regular park and library visits, home cooked meals when my husband gets home. Crush it. But I am also self-aware that that alone likely wouldn’t fulfill me in all the ways I need, and that’s nothing I should feel guilty for. I worked hard for my degree, my current position, I’m a leader in my company, others look up to me and I am damn proud of that. So I want to be the hands-on, crafty, lots of activities mama and the hard-working leader at work.

Yup, I know I want it all. And I also know I can’t, at least certainly not without help, grace, and some sacrifice along the way. So I’m giving myself (and you) permission to ask for help and actually accept it when it’s offered. We’re talking grocery pickups and going to family members’ houses for dinner when asked. I’m so so thankful for the grace and flexibility of my job, which obviously makes this all the more realistic for me and my family and is a blessing I know typical 9-5 office’rs aren’t as lucky to have. And sacrificing the notion of a perfectly well kept home and those 100% home cooked dinners (Lord bless Instantpots and frozen meals) is part of the package deal, too. Of course, it’s give and take, and I have to be realistic about that.

So when many have sweetly and unknowingly asked “aren’t you dreading going back to work?” and I felt the guilt creep in, I knew I had to write and share and hopefully inspire other working moms out there to proudly say I love my baby and at the same time I love my career.

I know I can be the attentive loving mom I want to be while also having a successful career.

Will it be a HUGE adjustment, take time to navigate? You bet. Will it be hard, will I be tired, will I question my decision or if it’s even possible to do this? Undoubtedly. But I know in my heart I can do this, that I was meant to do this, that someday my daughter will look at me as an inspiration that a woman’s place is in her home, caring for her family AND out there chasing her dreams and making a difference.

To the women who only want one or the other, a career or a family, there ain’t nothing wrong with that! Neither is easy but both can be incredibly rewarding. To those like me, who want both, who want it all — we got this!

I don't believe in “work life balance” but I do believe in hard work and being present in the moment you’re in. While you’re at home be the best mom you can be. While you’re at work, be the best employee you can be. I’m sure it’s so much more harder than the way I describe it, I’m sure I’m naive beyond belief in my young, FTM ways but… mind over matter, right? I can do hard things. So can you. We just need to ask for help (it takes a village!) and know we can have it all, just not at the same time!

thoughts? follow-up post to come?

in the meantime, I will be soaking up every last minute of maternity leave with my girl. these are the days, and yet I’m oh so excited for all the days to come.